Her Lying Smile
by dreaming.of.angels
Summary: She always smiled only because of the expectations of perfection. A darker one-shot of Tomoeda's beloved cherry blossom.


Disclaimer: I don't own Card Captor Sakura.

Notes: "person talking"

'person thinking'

_flashback_

Her Lying Smile

She was crying again. Hidden alone in her room, she finally let go of all the pain, the anger, the sorrow she buried under half-hearted smiles. Everyday was just another uphill battle. But she was losing.

And boy, did it hurt.

'Why can't I stop crying?' she thought miserably, 'I'm supposed to be happy. Nothing is missing in my life. I have the perfect life.'

And another sob erupted from her.

'Perfect…' She almost laughed.

That's what everyone must think. And for most of her life, she had thought so too.

They all said she was so lucky. After all, she was pretty. Or at least that's what her closest friend always said. Although she preferred to call her cute. And then, she was athletic. The popular cheerleader in her school. Talented in every aspect in school except math. And even that no one believed to be her fault. How could it be? She was always so cheerful, so wonderfully kind to all those that knew her. She was their idea of perfection.

Yes, perfect. That's what people said she was.

And she hated it.

'I can't handle it. All the pressure… I just want it to stop. I'm so tired of all their expectations.'

It was only the early afternoon. But it was the only time her father and brother were gone. The only time she ever got to be away from the world. This was the time she cherished.

She looked at the ceiling decorated with stars and saw the shooting star her brother had painted for her.

_"See? Whenever you feel down, you can look up and you'll see a shooting star. Make a wish, and everything will be alright. I promise," he told the naïve girl of five._

_"Thank you, onii-chan!" she squeaked, hugging her brother._

"And at that time," she whispered to the silence, "I believed him."

But everything had changed. She didn't want to depend on others. Wishes on shooting stars didn't come true. Life was full of so many uncertainties that she was afraid. For just once, she wanted to be able to escape reality.

By now, her cries had eased to sniffles. Lying on her bed, she continued to think.

'When did I change? I never minded people depending on me. When did I get tired of smiling? Was it because he left? No. That's not the only reason. Maybe I got tired of facade, of the endless lie. I never was perfect. I never will be. But every time I do something I nearly kill myself trying to live up to the expectations.'

Expectations. That's all her life was. People expected her to live up to her perfect reputation. Her brother expected her to remain a sweet, innocent little girl. Her father wanted her to be happy. And now, even that seemed like a burden.

And her mother. She always wanted to make her mother proud. To be just like her so then her father wouldn't miss her so much. How she wanted to have a mother. A mother could never be replaced. And she knew it.

But then, she was a really lucky person. And the guilt only made the wound deeper and deeper.

'I want to be happy.'

_"You know, I never wanted to see you sad. And I definitely don't want to be the cause. So please don't cry," said the chestnut haired boy, as he prepared to board his plane._

"_But what do you expect?! You're leaving me! I might never see you again, and you stand there asking me to smile!_" _she yelled, her tears clouding her vision._

_"There are some things in life that can't be helped, you know that, I know that. I can't give you happiness. Only you can do that. I'm sorry," and with a kiss on the cheek and one last farewell, he walked out of her life._

'That was almost four years ago… I wish I could see him again.'

She whispered, "That's right. He told me once to never be afraid to cry. That he was like that, and it only hurt him more. That the strong are not the ones to hide their tears, but the ones who can cry openly."

"I'm so grateful to have met him. For everyone in my life. They've always been there for me. I wish I could tell them how thankful I was."

_"I've known you for my entire life. I like helping you know. You don't have to keep thanking me," she said. "If you're really grateful, just be happy. That's all I want for my dearest friend. Now come on. Go through the chorus one more time. You're still to uptight at that part. Just relax. You're going to do wonderful at the festival."_

_"Okay," taking a deep breath, she sang._

_"Hatenai yoru wo kazoe nagara  
jibun no kakera sagashite-ita  
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga  
tashika ni natte'ku  
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru doko made mo."_

She shook her head. That song always reminded her that she could do anything. Her life was not perfect, and she didn't want it to be. For the first time in years, life looked full of hope and a promising future.

"Everything's going to be okay."

And she smiled.

The End

Okie dokes. How was it? This is my first attempt at fan fiction so constructive criticism would be appreciated. By the way, the song Sakura (the person who this fic is about if you couldn't tell) sings is Alone by Mikuni Shimokawa in Gensoumaden Sayuki. Awesome song. Here's the translation of the verse I used:

I've searched for pieces of myself,  
counting the endless nights all the while.  
These feelings are becoming so certain  
I almost lose myself.  
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.


End file.
